being perceived scares me more than being alone

i think people assume loneliness is the worst thing a person can feel.

but honestly?
being perceived has always terrified me more.

the idea that people can look at me and create an entire version of who they think i am in their heads. that they can misunderstand me completely and still walk away believing they know me. sometimes it feels unbearable.

i don’t think i’m scared of people.
i think i’m scared of being reduced.

reduced to first impressions.
to screenshots.
to the way i speak on a bad day.
to the version of me that exists online.
to the moments where i wasn’t enough for someone.

there’s something strangely comforting about being alone because at least then i still belong to myself completely.

no expectations.
no performance.
no overexplaining.
no feeling watched all the time.

maybe that’s why i love late nights so much.
everything feels quieter.
less demanding.
like the world stops asking me to be visible for a few hours.

and maybe that’s also why i keep parts of myself hidden in notes apps, unfinished blog entries, playlists nobody sees, thoughts i never fully say out loud.

because once people perceive something, it stops belonging only to you.

and i’m not sure i’ve ever learned how to be seen without feeling like i’m losing something in the process.

i don't know what i'm becoming lately

lately i've been feeling kinda empty, mentally tired, and a bit anxious. there's also this strange nostalgia, but not for something i've lost. more like nostalgia for things i haven't even lived yet.

i feel different, but i can't really explain how. it's not one clear change. it's more like i don't fully recognize myself in the same way anymore.

there are things i don't like admitting, even to myself. like how easily i get irritated, and how quickly that changes the way i act. it's like something inside me shifts and i don't always know how to control it.

what i miss the most is feeling full. like things are okay. like i'm okay.

when i'm alone with my thoughts, there's one idea that keeps coming back: that i'm not enough, and maybe i never will be. especially not enough to be loved the way i want to be loved.

i think i'm tired of craving so much love.

sometimes i wish everything was easier.

some days feel normal until they don't

today was like any other day really. i ate, played a bit with the child i take care off, and later went back to my room to read for a while.

nothing unusual happened. just a normal, quiet day.

at one point i was lying in bed, bored, and my mind started doing what it sometimes does without asking. i started thinking about "what if it goes wrong?". about situations and people that make me happy right now, and then my head automatically flips into this space where i imagine losing it all.

it's strange how quickly that shift happens. from calm to overthinking something that isn't even happening.

i'd describe today as disconnected, in a way that's hard to explain. like i was there, but not fully mentally present.

nothing really affected me in a big way today. it was more just the weight of my own thoughts moving in the background.

i kept overthinking small things all day.

to whoever reads this

i don’t really know what this is going to become yet.

maybe it’s a blog. maybe it’s just a place where i put things down so they stop spinning in my head for a while.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately. too much, probably. about life, people, change, and everything that doesn’t quite make sense when i try to explain it out loud.

so i thought i’d try something different.

no filters. no perfect structure. just thoughts as they are.

if you’re reading this, hi. i don’t know how you got here, but i’m glad you did.

this space is going to be a bit of everything:
days that feel heavy, days that feel light, and everything in between.

i don’t have a plan for it beyond being honest.
and for now, that feels like enough.