being perceived scares me more than being alone

i think people assume loneliness is the worst thing a person can feel.

but honestly?
being perceived has always terrified me more.

the idea that people can look at me and create an entire version of who they think i am in their heads. that they can misunderstand me completely and still walk away believing they know me. sometimes it feels unbearable.

i don’t think i’m scared of people.
i think i’m scared of being reduced.

reduced to first impressions.
to screenshots.
to the way i speak on a bad day.
to the version of me that exists online.
to the moments where i wasn’t enough for someone.

there’s something strangely comforting about being alone because at least then i still belong to myself completely.

no expectations.
no performance.
no overexplaining.
no feeling watched all the time.

maybe that’s why i love late nights so much.
everything feels quieter.
less demanding.
like the world stops asking me to be visible for a few hours.

and maybe that’s also why i keep parts of myself hidden in notes apps, unfinished blog entries, playlists nobody sees, thoughts i never fully say out loud.

because once people perceive something, it stops belonging only to you.

and i’m not sure i’ve ever learned how to be seen without feeling like i’m losing something in the process.